Episode 263: Have The Courage To Look At Your Own Shit

Dr. John Schinnerer, Couples Counseler: Hey everybody. This is Dr. John with another episode of the Evolved Caveman Podcast, and today I want to talk a little bit about my wish for the world, which has to do with loving kindness, but much more than loving kindness. Because right now the world needs some kindness more than ever, and my wish for the world is may all of us have the courage to face our own shit.

So it's a loving, kindness wish with a side of radical honesty, because let's be real loving. Kindness isn't just about wishing others peace, love, and unicorn farts. Sometimes true compassion sounds more like this. May all of us, including me, have the courage to face our own shit. That's it. That's the real spiritual work, not floating off into some zen-like bliss.

Grounding yourself right here in the messy, imperfect, gloriously human experience in the pain, the fear, the shadow, the emotional laundry pile you've been avoiding since 1987.

Our collective unwillingness to honestly fearlessly look at ourselves is a frustration of mine, as I see so many of us causing so much emotional damage to others as a result.

As they say, hurt people, hurt people. There's a variety of reasons for this. Cognitive errors, blind spots, fear, anxiety, anger, low self-worth, the ease of blaming others. Short attention spans, fragile egos, victim mentality, and much more. You see, it's my deep belief. The world will be a much better place economically, relationally, emotionally, environmentally, physically, and spiritually when all of us make the decision to screw our courage to the sticking point, Allah, Shakespeare, and to resolve to look at our psychological, relational, and emotional issues honestly and deeply.

So why does this wish matter now? Perhaps more than ever.

Well, in a culture obsessed with blame, outrage, finger pointing, turning the mirror inward, turning your attention inward is nothing short of revolutionary. And for many of us, it's terrifying. Our species has bravely explored the surface of the planet earth, the darkness of outer space and the depths of the oceans.

However, we have yet to explore the internal world of thought, feeling, and motivation. As a result, we develop destructive and misguided habits, such as externalizing, projecting, deflecting, emotional reasoning, all or nothing thinking, catastrophizing, overgeneralizing, mental filtering, mind reading, over personalizing, and so on.

We are encouraged, hell trained. To point our attention outward as well as the blame. It's my ex's fault. It's my boss. It's the government. It's mercury and retrograde. It's if you would just stop being such an asshole, I wouldn't be so pissed off. But rarely do we pause to ask, what's my part in this dynamic and how might I show up differently to improve this situation?

Or what do I need to learn to improve this relationship?

Because owning your stuff, that's where freedom lives. That's where growth happens. That's where your relationships start getting real, and your heart starts healing. That's where you begin to level up your friendships. That's when you begin to feel proud of yourself.

Happier, more satisfied. Consistently. You see, courage isn't loud. It's often silent. It's not about charging into battle, although it could be, or giving Ted talks on vulnerability. Although kudos to you if you do that. It's about sitting still when every cell inside you wants to bolt or rage. It's about staying present.

With the ache in your chest, the tightness in your gut, or the shame you've buried beneath, bravado, sarcasm, or endless busyness. It's about being curious as to what happened to you that led to this odd emotionally fueled reaction, which is way out of proportion to what's really going on in the moment.

It's about saying, wow, I messed that up. Can we try again? Instead of, you made me feel this way. That's real courage. The kind that transforms the kind that breaks generational patterns and heals fractured families, the kind that saves lives and quietly inspires others to do the same.

All relationships follow a predictable cycle, connection, disconnection, and repair, and the place where vulnerability lives.

Right smack between disconnection and repair. It happens when you're emotionally mature enough to recognize your part and say something like, Hey, sweetheart, I'm sorry. I got fearful of you leaving. My tone wasn't the best there and I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings. Or, Hey, I'm, I'm thinking maybe I was a little harsh in the words I used there.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna work to do better. You didn't deserve that. Or thank you for pointing out how it made you feel when I threatened to kick you outta the house. During our last argument, I see where that made you feel unsafe in our relationship, and I'm gonna stop using that as a threat. During our arguments, you see that vulnerability speaking to the softer feelings underneath your anger is the magic sauce that leads to connection, trust, and safety in your relationships.

Let's clarify something. Facing your shit isn't about self-judgment or wallowing in guilt or self-loathing. It's not about beating yourself up or marinating in your flaws. It's about turning toward yourself with fierce compassion. It's about saying, I love you too much to let this slide anymore. It's about having the deep courage.

To consistently be curious about how you can show up better, more effectively, and more lovingly in your relationships. It's about becoming emotionally fluent. Learning to name your feelings, your fears, your pain, and doing the work to understand where they actually came from. Not to fix yourself because you're not broken, but to free yourself from past triggers.

Remember, as Mayo Angelou said, I've learned that people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

So this wish isn't just for therapists or spiritual people, or those who have read the Untethered Soul 14 times. This wish is for everyone on earth.

The dad who's tired of yelling but doesn't know what else to do. The woman stuck in perfectionism and people pleasing the teen numbing out on TikTok and Red Bull because the world just feels too heavy. The executive who's crushing it at work, but miserable at home. The avoidant partner, the anxious lover, the stressed out mother, the emotionally constipated brother.

In short, this wishes is for you, for me, for all of us. Unfaced shit stains. Relationships. When we don't face our pain, it leaks. It leaks into our parenting, our partnerships, our politics. It spills out a sarcasm, defensiveness, passive aggressiveness, control shut down, ghosting addiction, and gaslighting. We may think we're hiding it, but the people closest to us always feel it, and there's nothing easier.

Then spewing your shit out on just unsuspecting and undeserving others. What takes emotional maturity and courage and love is taking a hundred percent accountability for your own emotions, your words, and your actions. Facing your inner muck doesn't make you weak. It makes you a warrior of the heart. It is strength, courage, and honor, fused with compassion and love.

It makes you more trustworthy, more lovable. More you. So here's the invitation. Try these phrases out the next time you meditate or when you're stuck in traffic or about to go nuclear during a tense conversation. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be calm. May I feel worthy. May I feel worthy of love.

May I feel worthy of success. May I feel worthy of happiness, and here's the cherry on top. May I have the courage to face my own shit? May you have the courage to face your own shit. May we all have the courage to face our own shit. It's a prayer. It's a battle cry. It's truth wrapped in compassion. Stop focusing on that over which you have no control.

Stop expecting others to change. Start by looking in the mirror and being a hundred percent accountable for your own mess.

Because when we each face what's inside, we begin to heal. Then our relationships begin to heal, and that small ripple effect causes the world to heal too. It's the only way we turn things around.

Start with yourself. Work your way outward the world. Thanks you in advance for your efforts and may we all have the courage to look at our own shit.

If this episode was meaningful to you, please feel free to like rate, review and share it with someone else that needs to hear the message. That's how we spread the word, and thank you so much.

Until next time, this is Dr. John signing off.