Episode 191: The difference between guilt and shame

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Men’s shame often finds its birthplace in the man box — the rules that we learn about how to be a “real man.” Things like…Don’t be a sissy. Don’t back down. Don’t ask for help. Don’t lose. Don’t be gay. Don’t act like a girl. And …don’t feel.

And therein lies the root of shame for many. The problem is that along with being men, we are also human. And one of the primary things humans do is feel.

So we are faced with a rule drilled into us from childhood - Don’t feel. And, at the same time, we are human, and we feel. So what happens when a deeply engrained, learned set of rules comes into conflict with an innate imperative?

We feel ashamed.

How do you know you may be dealing with shame?

If you…

Are hypersensitive and fly to anger at the constructive comments of others

Are chronically feeling unappreciated

Find yourself raging at your kids or your spouse

Are a perfectionist or a people pleaser

Are isolating yourself

Are struggling with addictions

Have low self-esteem or self-worth

Are highly mistrustful of people

Feel like you can’t be your authentic, real self

The definition of shame is the belief that we are unworthy of love, belonging and connection. Shame isolates us. Shame fuels abuse, anger and vitriol.

So what do we do about this shame?

Join Dr. John for an insightful foray into the most powerful emotion known to humans and its impact on men.

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