By Dr. John Schinnerer | GuideToSelf.com | TheEvolvedCaveman.com
Let’s be real: most men aren’t less emotional than women—we’re just less likely to show it. Or talk about it. Or even admit we’re feeling something unless it involves traffic or the Raiders losing (again).
Decades of research now tell us what your emotionally intelligent friend, therapist, or long-suffering partner has known all along—repressing emotions isn’t helping us. It’s hurting us. Emotionally. Physically. Relationally.
And yet, most guys are stuck in outdated programming: “Suck it up.” “Don’t cry.” “Real men don’t feel.” That’s not masculinity. That’s emotional constipation.
The Science Says It All
Here’s what the data shows when you compare men’s emotional expression to women’s:
- Men have a tougher time expressing emotions—and suppress them more.
- We stew in negative emotions longer (hello, anxiety and sleepless nights).
- We confide in fewer people (or none).
- Our emotional expressions tend to be muted, restrained, or nonexistent.
- We use fewer emotion-related words—unless it’s “pissed,” “frustrated,” or “fine” (which means the opposite).
- We’re more likely to deny negative emotions outright.
- The only emotions we tend to express freely? The ones tied to dominance—like anger, jealousy, or pride.
Spoiler Alert: This Isn’t Genetic
Let’s kill the “testosterone made me do it” excuse. There’s zero solid evidence that biology explains these differences. Instead, we’ve been conditioned—trained—to silence the softer, scarier, more vulnerable stuff from day one. Male babies show more emotion than female babies. It’s just shamed out of us at a very young age.
Boys grow up with fewer emotionally rich conversations. We’re told to “man up” instead of express sadness. We’re praised for stoicism and strength, not softness and honesty. And slowly but surely, we internalize the idea that feeling deeply = weakness.
But guess what? That silence turns toxic. And it takes a toll—on our health, our marriages, and our sense of purpose.
Emotional Expression Is a Health Tool (Not a Liability)
Psychologist James Pennebaker famously discovered that writing down your thoughts—yep, journaling—can seriously improve mental and physical health. Not just your mood. Your immune system. Your cognitive functioning. Your ability to handle daily life.
Translation: expressing what you feel (even on paper) literally helps you live longer, think clearer, and be less of a stressed-out mess.
So if therapy feels too intense, or bro-to-bro vulnerability isn’t your thing yet, fine. Start with a journal. Or even just a few honest sentences in your notes app.
How to Start Expressing More (Without Feeling Like a Total Weirdo)
- Write. Don’t overthink it. Just start. Anger, sadness, confusion—whatever’s there. Get it out of your head and onto the page.
- Name it to tame it. Learn the damn vocabulary. There’s more than “mad” and “fine.” Get specific. There’s power in naming how you feel.
- Talk to someone who’s earned the right to hear it. Your partner. A coach. A therapist. A close friend. You don’t need a dozen—just one person who won’t flinch when you get real.
Bottom Line
Emotions aren’t a threat to masculinity. Repressing them is.
Being emotionally honest doesn’t make you soft. It makes you strong—and sane. You want a better life? A better relationship? Better sex, health, friendships, sleep, and leadership? Start by getting better at feeling.
Let’s stop pretending emotional repression is noble. It’s not. It’s just lonely.
Need help learning to feel without falling apart? That’s what I do. Check out GuideToSelf.com or listen to the podcast at TheEvolvedCaveman.com for more tools to help you evolve beyond the emotional cave you were raised in. Give Dr. John a call or email him (John@GuideToSelf.com) to learn how you too can be in a happy, sex-filled relationship!
Because growth doesn’t mean losing your edge. It means sharpening it—with heart.