By Dr. John Schinnerer
Let’s get brutally honest: most of us—especially the overachievers, the approval junkies, the conflict-averse—are pretty terrible at setting boundaries. We say “yes” when we mean “hell no” just to avoid rocking the boat. That’s people-pleasing. And while it might smooth things over in the moment, it slowly suffocates your relationships—especially in the bedroom.
Yep, I said it. People-pleasing kills sex.
According to a YouGov survey, nearly half of Americans identify as people-pleasers. Women: 52%. Men: 44% (though let’s be real—that number’s probably underreported). And the fallout? Disconnection. Resentment. Boring, mechanical sex that feels like checking off a box rather than connecting deeply with your partner.
When you constantly put your partner’s needs above your own—especially when it comes to sex—you’re draining the emotional battery of your relationship. You chip away at trust (with yourself and your partner), and eventually, things grind to a halt. And no, not the sexy kind.
How People-Pleasing Sabotages Your Sex Life:
1. Saying “yes” when your body screams “no”
Agreeing to sex that doesn’t feel safe, loving, or connecting? That’s self-betrayal—and over time, it erodes intimacy.
2. Performing instead of participating
If sex feels like a task wedged between dishes and sleep, you’re not really there. Your partner can sense it. Your body knows it. And the connection suffers.
3. Hiding your desires like they’re dirty secrets
If you’re too afraid to say what you want for fear of being “too much” or “too needy,” you’re cutting yourself off from the pleasure and connection you deserve.
4. Resentment—the intimacy assassin
You give, and give, and give… until you’re seething beneath the surface. Resentment builds slowly—but when it erupts, it can destroy a relationship.
5. Disconnecting from your authentic self
You can’t have real intimacy without vulnerability. If you’ve learned that your full self isn’t safe to share, you’ll always keep part of you hidden. And hidden = disconnected.
And here’s a wild stat: a 2022 study found that women who saw their male partners as having “fragile masculinity” were more likely to fake orgasms, feel anxious, and avoid honest communication in bed. All to protect fragile egos. Yikes.
So, How Do You Stop People-Pleasing in the Bedroom?
1. Get to the root of it
Most people-pleasing starts in childhood. Maybe you learned that love was conditional. Or that expressing needs made you unsafe. You’re not broken—you were just adapting. But now it’s time to rewrite the script.
2. Set boundaries like your sanity depends on it (because it does)
Start small. Say “no” to things that drain you. Then graduate to saying, “I’m not in the mood” without apologizing or over-explaining.
3. Shift your source of validation
Stop looking to your partner for gold stars. Ask yourself: What do I want right now? And listen. Internal validation is the mark of an emotionally mature adult.
4. Have the uncomfortable conversations
Yes, it’s awkward to talk about sex and needs. Do it anyway. Vulnerability builds trust. (I used to get embarrassed saying “penis”—now I have a podcast about it.)
5. Detach your self-worth from people-pleasing
You’re not valuable because you meet everyone else’s needs. You’re valuable because you exist. Full stop. Start treating yourself with the same care you give everyone else.
Want to go deeper?
Do yourself a favor and check out my podcast episode:
“The People Pleaser’s Plight: How to Stop Feeling Too Guilty”
It’s a powerhouse conversation I had with my partner, Joree Rose, LMFT. We break down the 6 key patterns that keep people stuck in chronic guilt and approval-seeking:
- Struggling to set boundaries
- Carrying excessive guilt
- Avoiding conflict like the plague
- Fear of being alone
- Repressed anger and resentment
- Not knowing what the hell your needs actually are
The best sex—and the deepest love—comes from a place of safety, honesty, and mutual respect. Not obligation. Not guilt. Not shrinking yourself to keep the peace.
Want better sex? Start with a better relationship with yourself.
And hey, if you’re ready to upgrade your relationship toolkit, check out the new Relationship Master Class Joree and I host monthly. We dive into real-world skills like fighting fair, gratitude, emotional safety, attachment styles, sex, and communication. Because love isn’t enough—but skills are.
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