by Dr. John Schinnerer, Award-winning Executive Coach, Author, Podcast Host
Let’s not sugarcoat it—growing up male in our culture is like being handed a manual called “How to Be a Man,” except it’s written by emotionally stunted cavemen. From the time we’re toddlers, boys are dropped into a pressure cooker of outdated, toxic rules, many of which make connection, vulnerability, and emotional health feel like acts of treason.
This isn’t new. It starts around age four or five. You gather in packs of boys and, like it or not, you start learning the “rules” of manhood.
Executive Coach for Men
Here’s a taste of the greatest hits:
– Don’t cry.
– Don’t ask for help.
– Be tough.
– Dominate.
– Win at all costs.
– Never show weakness.
– Never show feelings.
– Definitely don’t be gay.
– And for the love of God, don’t be “soft.”
This is what we call Man Box culture, and it is a rigid, soul-crushing system that’s been quietly screwing up men for generations.
So What’s the Big Deal?
When men buy into this nonsense, here’s what happens:
– We become emotionally constipated.
– We suppress sadness, fear, and even joy—until all that’s left is anger, stress, and lust.
– We can’t admit we’re wrong, so our relationships become war zones.
– We isolate ourselves emotionally, then wonder why we’re lonely and disconnected.
– We blame others for our pain because we’ve never learned how to take responsibility.
– We stay stuck in rigid thinking and live life as if vulnerability is a disease.
We end up addicted, depressed, anxious, resentful, disconnected—and completely out of touch with the things that actually make life worth living.
The Fallout at Home
That simmering anger you bring home from work? Yeah, your partner and kids feel it. You can’t scream at your boss, so it all pours out on the people you care about most. And that, my friends, is how trauma gets handed down like a twisted family heirloom.
Even “good dads” are fighting an uphill battle, because our sons are now being raised in a digital war zone of bullying, porn, and toxic online influencers like Andrew Tate. Sure, Tate talks about exercise and confidence, but dig an inch deeper and you’ll find a garbage fire of misogyny, manipulation, and straight-up abuse wrapped in a protein shake and designer sneakers.
Young men are desperate for guidance, and they’re looking to guys like Tate because they aren’t getting any better alternatives. We can’t ignore that.
The Way Boys Talk
Ask yourself: how do most boys and men actually connect with one another? Through sarcasm, insults, put-downs, competition, and surface-level banter. God forbid we actually talk about real feelings or offer genuine support—unless it’s sandwiched between fart jokes and passive aggression.
And don’t get me started on what happens when a guy tries to have an actual emotional connection with his girlfriend. He gets mocked, shamed, or told he’s “pussy whipped” by his male friends. It’s no wonder we’re walking around emotionally stunted.
This isn’t just a Western problem. I’ve spoken with men from nearly every continent and country, and the consensus is depressingly universal: “this was our adolescence also.”
A Culture of “Honor” That Doesn’t Serve Us
Researcher Todd Kashdan put it best: The so-called “honor culture” that props up the Man Box isn’t noble—it’s exhausting. Every slight becomes an insult. Every disagreement a threat. Every insult is reason to throw down and fight. It’s a life spent on high alert, obsessed with dominance and terrified of being seen as anything less than alpha.
What’s the cost?
– More violence.
– More school shootings.
– More intimate partner abuse.
– Less help-seeking.
– Less emotional well-being.
– More stress.
– More financial recklessness to maintain appearances.
The Result?
We have generations of men who are lonely, addicted, suicidal, angry, and lost. They lash out from a place of pain and feel completely justified in doing so—because no one ever taught them another way.
They attack vulnerability, connection, and love because deep down, they’re starving for all three.
So What Do We Do About It?
We stop pretending that the Man Box works and we start dismantling it—one conversation, one shift, one brave act of emotional honesty at a time.
Here’s How:
1. Redefine Masculinity
– Stop tying strength to emotional silence.
– Celebrate emotional intelligence, vulnerability, and courage—the kind that doesn’t involve a bar fight.
2. Model Healthy Male Relationships
– Show up for your friends with more than sarcasm.
– Say “I love you” and mean it.
– Be a dad, mentor, or friend who listens and nurtures.
3. Educate Early
– Teach boys that feelings aren’t flaws.
– Introduce them to real role models who cry, care, and still kick ass.
4. Hold Influencers Accountable
– Call out the Tates of the world.
– Elevate voices of men modeling healthy, expansive masculinity.
– Pressure platforms to stop glorifying rage, misogyny, and violence.
5. Create Safe Spaces for Men
– Support groups where men can be real, raw, and respected.
– Normalize therapy and emotional work as signs of strength, not weakness.
6. Rewire Relationship Expectations
– Encourage emotional presence and equality in relationships.
– Challenge outdated provider-only roles.
– Celebrate caregiving and connection as badass.
7. Change the Culture at Work and Beyond
– Push for parental leave.
– Value collaboration and empathy.
– Stop rewarding chest-puffing over competence.
Final Thought
Masculinity isn’t toxic. It’s just been hijacked by outdated, narrow rules that make men miserable. It’s time to expand what it means to be a man—because when men are free to be their whole selves, everybody wins.
You’re not weak for wanting connection. You’re not soft for seeking peace. And you’re not broken if you’re struggling. You’re human. And that’s the part we’ve forgotten.
So maybe the question isn’t “What kind of man should I be?”
Maybe the better question is: What kind of human do I want to become?
Let’s figure it out—together. Email Dr. John at John AT GuideToSelf.com to set up a coaching appointment and start to learn to evolve beyond this B.S. to greater happiness, life satisfaction and success.